Oceans

Before reading this, stop for a moment.

Be still.

Breathe.

Be.

Now play the song "Oceans" by Hillsong United as you read...

Imagine yourself on a boat in the middle of a calm ocean. The sun is setting below the horizon. You stand at the front of the ship, holding the railing, feeling the wind on your skin. Before you really give thought to what you are doing, you take of your jacket and slip off your shoes. You climb over the railing and lean out over the edge, feeling the light spray of the water. And then, you do the unthinkable...you take a step out onto the water.

The water supports you, just like you somehow knew it would. You chase the sun as it dips lower into the sea. You run and you dance, more alive than ever before. Then, you lose the sun to the depths.

You look to the right and to the left. In the velvet darkness, you can't see the boat. You can't see the shore. In the pit of your stomach, fear makes its home. Yet still, in the darkness, you press onward toward the invisible sun.

You feel a drop of rain hit your cheek. The wind picks up. You hear the dull rumble of thunder in the distance. As you watch the silhouette of the storm clouds roll in through the lightning, you begin to wonder what you've gotten yourself into and what you're about to be in for.

The rain is falling steadily now. The water begins to churn beneath your feet. You're no longer sure you're headed in the right direction. You know the sun is out there somewhere, but it seems to be running from you even as you chase it.

The storm has reached you at last. The waves threaten to overcome you and you can't see for the rain. You stop, and in your desperation, you cry out to the sun. And the storm ends. The waves are calm. You open your eyes to a brilliant sunrise and glassy waters before you.

You take a step in faith knowing that this brilliant sunlight won't last forever, and that night may bring another storm. But the sun is always there, and at the end of every night is a sunrise...

Ask, Seek, Knock

I haven't posted in awhile. It's not because God hasn't been working in my life; He has. It's not because I can't think of anything worth sharing; there is. It's because I've been under attack, and until now, I was letting Satan win.

My time spent alone with the LORD is dwindling. The flame in my soul is threatening to be snuffed out. I'm exhausted, spiritually, emotionally, mentally, and physically. But I've been hiding it, which is foolish. If I hide the fact that I'm struggling, how will my brothers and sisters know I need prayer and encouragement to press on and endure? So now, I'm confessing my battle, getting it all out in the open.

I lack motivation to be in the Word daily. I don't pray like I should. The last time I journaled was about a week ago. Unless I am surrounded by fellow believers, I find it hard to sing and worship. My soul is hungry and thirsty, I want so desperately to receive more of Jesus, more of His presence and Spirit. Yet, here I am. Stagnating. And how I hate it.

The solution: prayer. I must ask for the encouragement and motivation I need. I must seek out truth in His Word. I must knock on the gates of Heaven and ask to be brought back into the presence of God. The Word promises that to those who ask, it will be given; those who seek will find; and to those who knock, the door will be opened. Now, though I don't really feel like asking, seeking, and knocking, I choose to obey those commands. I have full faith that the LORD will deliver me from this wasteland and make something beautiful out of the dust.

"For every child of God defeats this evil world, and we achieve this victory through our faith." -1 John 5:4

Synchronizing Watches

I just finished reading a book series called the Christy Miller Collection by Robin Jones Gunn. It came highly recommended by a couple of my close girlfriends. The fictional series tells the story of Christy Miller as she discovers what it means to be a follower of Jesus. As she begins to walk in the path of righteousness, Christy learns some tough lessons about just how much it truly costs to yield completely to God in all areas of her life. She discovers that God's will and timing are complex, wonderful, and mysterious.

This semester, I have also had to come to terms with the fact that God's timing is strange and perfect at the same time. He does not operate within the same time frame that I do. God isn't bound by time at all. He operates from an eternal perspective while I am limited to the temporal. My finite understanding of His will and timing is frustrating. God sees every moment as an opportunity to bring Him glory, honor, and praise. Still, I struggle to see His goodness in every season of life. Ecclesiastes 3 speaks beautifully of God's timing. This is what it says:

“There is a time for everything,

            and a season for every activity under heaven:

            a time to be born and a time to die,

            a time to plant and a time to uproot,

            a time to kill and a time to heal,

            a time to tear down and a time to build,

            a time to weep and a time to laugh,

            a time to mourn and a time to dance,

            a time to scatter stones and a time to gather them,

            a time to embrace and a time to refrain,

            a time to search and a time to give up,

            a time to keep and a time to throw away,

            a time to tear and a time to mend,

            a time to be silent and a time to speak,

            a time to love and a time to hate,

            a time for war and a time for peace.

…He has made everything beautiful in its time. He has also set eternity in the hearts of men; yet they cannot fathom what God has done from beginning to end." (Ecclesiastes 3:1-8, 11)

Ecclesiastes 3:11 puts into words the frustrations of my heart regarding God's timing. All around me, I can see beauty in His timing. I see Him at work in nature, in relationships, in His church. He is accomplishing His purposes in magnificent ways! He has placed before my eyes the wonders of eternity, and yet I cannot understand what I'm seeing. Sometimes, God just doesn't make sense! But that's because I am thinking of God in human terms. God's ways are infinitely higher than my ways. It's no wonder they confuse and frustrate me!

The Bible assures me that God knows the desires of my heart (Psalm 139). The Bible also promises that when those desires are godly desires, they will be given to me (Psalm 37:4). However, God is not a vending machine. He does not bend to our demands for instant gratification. Instead, He gives to us our portion according to His perfect timing in order to accomplish His purposes and magnify His name. There are many pure and holy desires of my heart that I long to have fulfilled. But God has told me to wait, and wait I shall. In the meantime, I pray that God will metaphorically synchronize my watch with His and teach me to be satisfied with what I've already been given.

It Doesn't Matter

I just had the most amazing late-night spiritual conversation with a girl on my hall. This girl is one of my best friends and a dear sister in Christ. Our conversations always challenge me so deeply and spur me onward in my faith walk. Tonight, she and I spent some time in the laundry room catching up and being vulnerable with one another. It has been a few weeks since she and I have had a chance to really talk, and we both had things to get out into the open, things we needed accountability for. We talked about all of the things we have been chasing after over the last few weeks and months. As we talked, I remembered this story from my childhood:

When I was about 18 months old, my mother sat on the living room floor of my grandparents' house, video camera in hand, capturing my childhood on film. I was sitting on an old wooden rocking horse when something caught my eye. I toddled across the carpet toward the object of my desire, bent down, and picked it up. It isn't possible to tell from the video what was in my hand, but it was most likely a piece of fuzz or something of that sort. I held it up to my tiny face and my eyes got wide with wonder. Honestly, my expression reminds me of Gollum gazing intently at his "precious," eyes full of adoration. My mother's voice can be heard from behind the camera.

"What do you have, Kaitlin?" she said.

I look up at her for only a moment, an innocent smile on my face. Then, my eyes go right back to the precious whatever-it-is in my hands.

"Can Mommy have it?" she asks.

I took a step toward her, hand extended as if to hand her the object. But then, I withdrew my hand, stepped away from my mom, and went back to inspecting my treasure. "Uh-uh" I said.

"Mommy can't have it?" my mom asked one more time.

"Nooooo" I whispered. Again, the Gollum comparison comes to mind.

The filming ended here. I don't know whether I gave in and handed over the "precious" to my mother or simply lost interest. My parents and I have watched that video many times. It is always good for a laugh. However, now that I think about it, this video is actually a disturbingly clear picture of the way we withhold the "treasures" of this world from our Heavenly Father. Just as 18 month-old me was so fixated on the worthless piece of fuzz I found on the carpet that day, I obsess over the worthless treasures of this world every day.

After I told my friend this story, she said she has noticed recently how self-focused she has become in college. When she said this, something clicked in my head, and I realized I have too. We both check Facebook first thing every morning, hoping that someone liked a picture or commented on a status. We have become obsessed with becoming involved on campus and allowed our ministries to suffer. We have sacrificed intimacy with Jesus for more worldly riches.

We talked about this for a long while. Finally, we came to a depressing conclusion. It doesn't matter. None of it. It is all worthless, those things we've chased down, caught, and worshiped. The way we've been living for ourselves, it's like chasing the wind. Does this sound familiar? If you've read Ecclesiastes, it should. Just before writing this post, I went to my friend and asked her if she would start rereading Ecclesiastes with me. It's high time we both figure out what really does matter and stop these foolish pursuits. It is my prayer that our journey through Ecclesiastes will give us a renewed perspective and teach us to prioritize in a godly way.

Leaving the Tomb

These last few weeks have been very trying for me spiritually. I have been faced with decisions about my future that I never anticipated. I have learned some tough lessons about discernment. I have experienced some intense growing pains as Jesus draws me into even greater intimacy with Him. I can honestly say that all of this, and I mean all of it, has been completely and utterly good because it has come directly from the hand of God. But during my ride back to campus from spending Easter with my family, my heart was in total turmoil. As I vocalized my anxieties about spending the summer in Belize, my confusion about God's will for my life, and general frustration with myself for worrying, the Holy Spirit spoke clarity into this haze that has been following me around like a rain cloud. This is what He showed me:

I accepted God's gift of salvation from my sins when I was in the first grade. I prayed to Jesus and asked Him to forgive my sins. In that moment, my sinful flesh was crucified on the cross with Christ. Just like Jesus, my old self was dead and laid in a tomb. However, this is not where my story ends. Because of Jesus' resurrection, I was given new life. In the twelve years since I was adopted into the family of God, I have been learning about my new self. The Holy Spirit has taught me that I am no longer an enemy of God, but that when God looks at me, He sees the righteousness of His son. Just these past few months, I have begun to see myself this way, too. Instead of seeing the ugly stains of sin that no longer cling to me, I see a vessel of the Holy Spirit of God, beautiful and useful.

But there's still a problem. Though I've learned so much about my new life in Christ, in many ways I've yet to start living it. It is as though Jesus is standing outside the tomb, calling me to follow him into the world. He says He has so much for me to do, that I'll love following Him around, doing the Father's will. He says the Father has plans for me, that my future is waiting just outside the tomb. Here I stand, in the mouth of the tomb, desperately wanting to run to my LORD and obey His every command. But I'm so unfamiliar with my new self that I'm hesitating. How do I trust? How do I not worry? Timidity and anxiety are all my heart have ever known until now! With all of my soul, I want to leave the tomb behind and never look back, but I feel as though I don't know how. I feel stuck.

Without intending to, I've picked up my old self and started carrying her around with me again. Jesus never intended for me to bear this burden. He died on the cross so I could leave the old me behind and follow Him! I look to Him, and I can see it grieves Him that I'm choosing to stay in the tomb, carrying this weight on my shoulders. He says I can lay everything down at His feet, that He'll take care of everything. But I need help lifting this off of me. I can't get rid of these fears and worries all by myself. Jesus says that all I must do is ask for help, and it will be given to me. Could it really be that simple?

The answer is yes! Praise God, I don't have to do this on my own. None of this is on me; it is by His power alone that these burdens are cast off! No longer am I a slave to worry and fear. I have been given peace and security in the name of Jesus, and that is sufficient for me. I may not know where I will end up when I take these first steps out of the tomb, but I know it will be the adventure of a lifetime, one that will continue for an eternity. Never once will I ever walk alone, because God is faithful in all things and will never leave my side. I am still learning what it really means to be a follower of Christ. In fact, I'm going to be spending the rest of my life learning. However, I am convinced that I have no reason to fear, no cause for worry. My God has already won the victory!

Wildflowers

When I left campus this afternoon to head home for Easter break, traffic on the highway was at a standstill. I chose to take a new route home instead of fighting my way through all of the other cars on I-35. I ended up taking Highway 6 through Meridian, and never in my life have I been so thankful for traffic! As I drove through central Texas, I was completely overwhelmed by the beauty of the new wildflowers. Bluebonnets, Indian Paintbrushes, and millions of those tiny little yellow flowers lined both sides of the highway and carpeted the hills all around. I was reminded of Matthew 6:25-34, which says:

"Therefore I tell you, do not worry about your life, what you will eat or drink; or about your body, what you will wear. Is not life more than food, and the body more than clothes? Look at the birds of the air; they do not sow or reap or store away in barns, and yet your heavenly Father feeds them. Are you not much more valuable than they? Can any one of you by worrying add a single hour to your life?

   And why do you worry about clothes? See how the flowers of the field grow. They do not labor or spin. Yet I tell you that not even Solomon in all his splendor was dressed like one of these. If that is how God clothes the grass of the field, which is here today and tomorrow is thrown into the fire, will he not much more clothe you—you of little faith? So do not worry, saying, ‘What shall we eat?’ or ‘What shall we drink?’ or ‘What shall we wear?’ For the pagans run after all these things, and your heavenly Father knows that you need them. But seek first his kingdom and his righteousness, and all these things will be given to you as well. Therefore do not worry about tomorrow, for tomorrow will worry about itself. Each day has enough trouble of its own."

I spend an ungodly amount of time worrying about tomorrow. I make tedious to-do lists and plan out every moment of my day. I get so caught up in the rush to the destination that I forget that God is constantly placing beautiful things in front of me, telling me to slow down, be still, and worship Him. It's like the traffic today. Had I been able to just get on I-35 and book it home for the long weekend, I would have completely rushed past the beautiful things all around me. I had a very specific schedule for my day, but, as usual, God had something different, and entirely better, in mind for me. I took the long way home. There were few cars to spoil my view. The speed limits were slower, so I had time to take in the wonders that God created. Because I was off schedule, for the first time this week, I allowed myself to slow down and sit in awe of God's mighty creative powers.

It's kind of like the story of Jesus visiting Mary and Martha in Luke 10:38-42. Martha spent all of her time working, checking things off of her to-do list, but Mary chose to slow down and listen to the words of Jesus as He spoke. Jesus said that Mary had chosen the better thing, and it would not be taken from her. Today, as I slowed down to enjoy the flowers and listen as Jesus spoke words of love over me, I discovered the better thing. And though the flowers will fade in the coming weeks, this time spent with Jesus will never be taken from me.

Reassurance from 1 Cor. 2:6-16

On July 28, 2011, the Holy Spirit brought me to a scripture that changed everything for me. It was Hebrews 11:8, which says, "By faith, Abraham, when called to go to a place he would later receive as his inheritance, obeyed and went, even though he did not know where he was going." As I reread my prayer of reflection in my journal from that day, I sensed that this was a defining moment in my faith walk, the moment of surrender to God's secret will for my life. This was harder for me than surrendering to the more specific call to ministry, because I was being called to blind obedience. I realized that night that there will be times in my life when all I have to go on is my understanding of God's character because He has not yet seen fit to reveal His plans. This has frustrated me from time to time, especially when I am faced with a life-altering decision. However, tonight, in His infinite mercy, the Holy Spirit has led me to another passage of scripture to ease my frustrations and show me that, though I am called to follow in blind faith, God has not left me alone to figure out which path to take. This is what He showed me:

"We do, however, speak a message of wisdom among the mature, but not the wisdom of this age or of the rulers of this age, who are coming to nothing. No, we declare God’s wisdom, a mystery that has been hidden and that God destined for our glory before time began. None of the rulers of this age understood it, for if they had, they would not have crucified the Lord of glory. However, as it is written:
   “What no eye has seen,
   what no ear has heard,
and what no human mind has conceived”—
   the things God has prepared for those who love him—
 these are the things God has revealed to us by his Spirit.
   The Spirit searches all things, even the deep things of God. For who knows a person’s thoughts except their own spirit within them? In the same way no one knows the thoughts of God except the Spirit of God. What we have received is not the spirit of the world, but the Spirit who is from God, so that we may understand what God has freely given us. This is what we speak, not in words taught us by human wisdom but in words taught by the Spirit, explaining spiritual realities with Spirit-taught words. The person without the Spirit does not accept the things that come from the Spirit of God but considers them foolishness, and cannot understand them because they are discerned only through the Spirit. The person with the Spirit makes judgments about all things, but such a person is not subject to merely human judgments, for,
   “Who has known the mind of the Lord
   so as to instruct him?”
   But we have the mind of Christ"

(1 Corinthians 2:6-16)

We have been given the Spirit, who knows the thoughts of God intimately. One purpose of the Spirit is to give us a clear understanding of the heart of God the Father. Though God has chosen to keep parts of His will secret from us, He has given us the access to the Spirit, who instructs us about God's character so that we might be better equipped to discern which path is best and which choices honor God. I may not know where I am going, but I know exactly who I'm following. God is faithful, God is loving, God is kind and merciful, and God requires the same of me. God does not ever leave my side and He guides me with His righteous right hand. Scripture is the revelation of the nature of God, and we have been given the very Spirit of God to help us interpret and understand all that has been revealed.